The facts: It’s hard – and it’s not personal…

One of the things that many stepmothers deal with is the feeling that you’re a bad person or a failure because you find the stepmothering role difficult. Please don’t feel bad – it’s not personal. (Although boy, does it feel like it is!)

The research on stepfamilies reports that it’s the role of stepmothering that’s universally challenging whether or not you are a biological mother yourself too. There are many variables that influence how stepmothers and their stepchildren interact, but here are the findings from solid academic research that you might find reassuring, and may encourage you to take some steps to help yourself.

Stepmothers are at considerably greater risk of developing psychological and relational problems due to role strain than do stepfathers or biological mothers (Bartle, 2014; Craig & Johnson, 2011; Fellman, 2008)
Women, but not men, suffer significantly in terms of mental health from being a stepparent or the partner of a stepparent (Gayle, Feijten, Boyle, & Graham, 2011)
The stepmother experience is made more difficult by the lack of social and emotional support available, leaving them to rely on their own inner resources and capabilities. While a number of self-help books on stepfamilies are available, there are few sources that offer advice about coping with the associated stresses. With this lack of information and support, many stepmothers assign blame either to themselves or others, potentially increasing the risk for conflict in the stepfamily system and potential stepfamily dissolution (Bartle, 2014; Ceglian & Gardner, 2001; Craig & Johnson, 2011; Hart, 2009)
Stepmothers experience more stress integrating into the stepfamily than do stepfathers (Coleman, Ganong, & Fine, 2000)
The period of transition into a stepfamily is especially difficult. After the stepfamily forms, the first 5- to 7-years are particularly stressful. The duration of the stress is longest for stepfamilies where both partners have children from previous relationships, and shortest for families with younger children. Stress levels of adults in stepfamilies might not decline even after they have settled into their new roles. Stepmothers have permanently raised stress levels compared with mothers in nuclear families. (Coleman et al., 2000; Doodson & Davies, 2014; Johnson A.J. & Gilchrist E.S., 2008; Pasley, Dollahite, & Ihinger-Tallman, 1993)

I could go on quoting evidence, but you get the picture. Don’t beat yourself up because stepmothering can be stressful for everyone.

Bartle, A. (2014). Exploratory Investigation of Adults’ and Children’s Perceptions of their Experiences Living in a Stepmother Family. (PhD), University of Auckland, Auckland, New Zealand. Retrieved from https://researchspace.auckland.ac.nz/bitstream/handle/2292/21821/whole.pdf?sequence=5

Ceglian, C. P., & Gardner, S. (2001). Attachment Style and the “Wicked Stepmother” Spiral. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 34(1-2), 111-129. doi:10.1300/J087v34n01_07

Coleman, M., Ganong, L., & Fine, M. (2000). Reinvestigating Remarriage: Another Decade of Progress. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1288-1307. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.01288.x

Craig, E., & Johnson, A. (2011). Role strain and online social support for childless stepmothers. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28(6), 868.

Doodson, L. J., & Davies, A. P. C. (2014). Different Challenges, Different Well-Being: A Comparison of Psychological Well-Being Across Stepmothers and Biological Mothers and Across Four Categories of Stepmothers. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 55(1), 49-63. doi:10.1080/10502556.2013.862094

Fellman, I. E., Galan, J. C., & Lloreda, J. H. (2008). Stepparent role strain and psychological distress. Psicothema, 20(4), 732 – 738.

Gayle, V., Feijten, P., Boyle, P., & Graham, E. (2011). Differences in mental health between adults in stepfamilies and ‘first families’. Working paper. ESRC Centre for Population Change Working Paper.

Hart, P. (2009). On becoming a good enough stepmother. Journal of Clinical Social Work, 37, 128-139.

Johnson A.J., W. K. B., Craig E.A.,, & Gilchrist E.S., L. L. T., Haigh M. (2008). A model for predicting stress levels and marital satisfaction for stepmothers utilizing a stress and coping approach. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 25(1), 119-142. doi:doi:10.1177/0265407507086809

Pasley, K., Dollahite, D. C., & Ihinger-Tallman, M. (1993). Bridging the Gap: Clinical Applications of Research Findings on the Spouse and Stepparent Roles in Remarriage. Family Relations, 42(3), 315-322. doi:10.2307/585561